


all these years of loving you

by wxri



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Post-Time Skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28628352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wxri/pseuds/wxri
Summary: “He thinks his lack of faith in them hurts more than distance ever could.”Alternatively, Kageyama and Oikawa: how they come together and how they fall apart.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 31
Kudos: 79





	all these years of loving you

**Author's Note:**

> you can tell which tswift song(s) I listened to on repeat while writing this. they inspired the entire thing.

**Year 1, December**

He’s always been a little awestruck when it comes to Oikawa. Maybe more than a little awestruck.

It’s a cold, but bright winter day and they’re in Tobio’s bed, cuddling for warmth. Their fingers are intertwined, their legs are entangled beneath the sheets, and Oikawa is going on about something, but Tobio isn’t listening. Instead, he’s taking note of how the gentle sunlight streaming from the window highlights Oikawa’s features in the most perfect of ways. His hair looks impossibly soft, his eyes are the prettiest caramel brown, and Tobio wants to trace a finger down the line of Oikawa’s profile, starting from his forehead and ending on his lips. So yeah, maybe Tobio is a little more than gone for Oikawa Tooru. 

“Are you even listening, Tobio-chan?” Oikawa asks teasingly, turning his head to face him, a ghost of a smirk on his lips. Their faces are just millimeters apart. Tobio wants to kiss him.

“Something...about Iwaizumi-san?” 

Oikawa snorts and rolls his eyes in amusement. “You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?” 

“No,”  he admits, his face flushing red. Because if Tobio is anything, he’s blunt and stupidly honest.

Oikawa lets out a light laugh and twists his whole body to face him, the hand that isn’t intertwined with his reaching out to play with Tobio’s hair. They lay together in comfortable silence for a while, and Tobio closes his eyes and focuses on the soothing feeling of Oikawa’s fingers lightly brushing his scalp. 

“I’m going to miss you, you know?” And Oikawa’s voice is soft and wistful, but present. It makes Tobio smile.

“I’m not gone for long. Just a week or so.”

“But still,” Oikawa whines, releasing his hand to pull him closer and bury his face in Tobio’s hair. “A week without you is so long. I can barely survive a  _ day  _ without my Tobio-chan, how do I survive a whole  _ week _ ?!” Oikawa squeezes him until he can barely breathe and Tobio exhales a laugh. 

Before Oikawa, it had been a really long time since anyone had ever really touched him. His parents were always absent and when they were there they were never very affectionate. The last people who ever really hugged him were his grandfather and Miwa. When his grandfather passed away years ago, Miwa moved out soon after to pursue a career in Tokyo. He’d never really thought about how much he’d missed this warmth.

“We don’t even see each other every day,” Tobio says, his words muffled where he’s buried his head in Oikawa’s shirt. 

“But I’ll still miss you,” Oikawa says, gently pulling away from the embrace to look at him. He looks at him for a while, and Tobio grows antsy under his gaze.

“What…?” 

“Nothing, nothing. It’s just,” Tobio observes as a slight flush appears on the tips of Oikawa’s ears. And suddenly Tobio’s pinned to the bed by Oikawa’s weight, his legs bracketed between Oikawa’s longer ones and he shivers a bit as Oikawa softly cups his cheek and leans in, impossibly close. The late afternoon sun has turned Oikawa’s eyes a molten gold. “You look really good in my sweater.”

And when their lips meet, Tobio stops thinking.

* * *

**Year 1, July**

_ When did it all start?  _ Tobio would ask himself, years down the line.

It probably started that one day in July, after his big fight with Hinata.

Tobio has never had a partner before, so his fight with Hinata hit hard. All he could think about was his last year in Kitagawa Daiichi: the ball hitting the ground, his teammate’s backs to him, the indescribable feeling of loneliness and abandonment. He doesn’t want to go through that again. He wants to play volleyball. He  _ needs _ to play volleyball. But he doesn’t know if letting Hinata spike with his eyes open will set the team back. A new skill requires time to perfect and polish, and Tobio doesn’t know if they have that time. And he wants to go to Nationals; he wants to play as many sets as he possibly can.

“Tobio-chan?”

Tobio freezes at the sound of Oikawa’s voice and curses inwardly at his shit luck. Tobio has always thought Oikawa was the highest example of the best kind of setter. He knows Oikawa is the kind of setter who knows exactly how to bring out the best in each of his hitters—he’s the kind of setter who earns the full trust and respect of his whole team. And Tobio has always wanted to be like him. So Oikawa’s the last person Tobio wants to see when he’s feeling torn apart by his fight with Hinata. If Oikawa was Hinata’s setter, he’d know exactly what to do.

At that thought, Tobio has an idea. A stupid idea, really, because he’s never really gotten along with Oikawa. But at this point Tobio is a little desperate, and it doesn’t hurt much to ask. 

“O-Oikawa-san,” Tobio hesitantly calls out, even after Oikawa’s obvious unwillingness to talk to him. He bows, his torso parallel with the ground. “Please hear me out for a second. Please.”

And, honestly, Tobio’s surprised Oikawa even gives him advice at all. Even if he had to suffer a back ache for bowing for so long. But it’s worth it when he looks up and sees Oikawa in full-blown laughter while looking at the outcome of their picture. And Tobio thinks Oikawa looks good with his eyes shining with amusement and a rare, genuine smile gracing his face. 

“Ohmygod Tobio-chan,” Oikawa wheezes, unsuccessfully trying to quell his laughter. “I’m saving this forever. Come here and give me your number. You need this photo on your phone too, it’s gold.”

And Tobio thinks the photo is ridiculous. It’s tilted at an angle and not even in focus because it’s the best Oikawa’s nephew can do, but Oikawa’s looking at him with barely concealed amusement and Tobio’s not just going to refuse Oikawa when he’s smiling at him like that.

How can anyone refuse Oikawa when he’s smiling at them like that?

“You have my number now, Tobio-chan, but don’t bother me too much, okay? I’m a busy man, y’know!” Oikawa says as he walks away. “The next time we see each other, I’ll beat you and your team again! Don’t miss me too much!”

And over the next few weeks, Tobio finds out that Oikawa is an avid texter. Tobio himself doesn’t like texting very much, but he finds that he doesn’t mind responding to Oikawa every once in a while.

* * *

**Year 2, October**

_ ‘Can’t meet up this week. Something came up.’ _

Tobio slows to a stop and stares at the illuminated screen of his phone. He tries not to feel too disappointed. 

_ ‘Ok.’  _ He sends back. It’s been his reply to almost every text Oikawa has sent him for the past month or so. He tags on a ‘ _ miss you’ _ to the end of it.

_ ‘ _ 。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。♡ _ ’  _

It’s such a typical Oikawa reply and Tobio can’t help but let out a small huff of amusement. 

“KAGEYAMA!” He hears Hinata yell from up ahead. “WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW? IF YOU DON’T HURRY UP I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU TO THE MEAT BUNS AND THERE’LL BE NONE LEFT FOR YOU!”

And normally, Tobio wouldn’t take that laying down. Any other day he would have yelled back. Any other day he would have challenged Hinata to a race to Ukai’s store and beaten him and taken all the meat buns for himself. But today his feet feel cemented to the concrete walkway and he just watches as Hinata races towards Sakanoshita store with some of the new first years hot on his heels.

“What’s wrong, King? Did a certain Grand King decide he’d rather run his kingdom on his own?”

Tobio startles from his stupor and realizes that Tsukishima is standing right next to him. Strangely, Yamaguchi was nowhere to be found. 

“Piss off.” Tobio gives Tsukishima the nastiest scowl he can muster and starts power-walking away from him.

“Did he really?” Tsukishima asks, his voice void of his usual biting sarcasm. And for some reason it makes Tobio slow his steps a bit to allow him to catch up.

“No. He just can’t meet up this week,” He says, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice, and he immediately regrets saying anything. Why is he even telling Tsukishima all of this anyway? They’ve never been particularly close. But there’s an ugly, heavy feeling in Tobio’s chest that won’t go away, and Tsukishima’s conveniently there for him to vent to. 

“Hmm,” Tsukishima hums, falling in step with him and removing his headphones. “How long has it been? Since you last saw him?”

Tobio stops to think.  _ How long  _ has  _ it been?  _ He couldn’t make it this time, but he also wasn’t able to make it 2 weeks ago. The ugly feeling starts to spread from his chest and suddenly his throat feels constricted and he can only barely whisper, “A month or so.”

“Drifting apart...isn’t that expected though?”

Tobio turns a sharp look at him. 

“Calm down, King. Geez. I mean, he’s out of high school. You’re still in high school. You’re both at two completely different stages of life right now,” Tsukishima says, as brutally honest as he’s always been when it comes to Tobio. “It’s only natural to drift apart.”

And a small, rational part of him knows Tsukishima’s right. While club training and participating in tournaments in the hopes of someone noticing him is all Tobio can do to further his future career in volleyball, it’s different for Oikawa. And the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he doesn’t even know what Oikawa wants in the future. What is  _ his  _ end goal? And it scares him, how much he still doesn’t know about Oikawa. And isn’t this something he  _ should _ know about Oikawa? Or has he been naively assuming that they share the same goals? 

Tobio chooses not to think too hard about it.

* * *

**Year 1, April**

Or maybe it started when Tobio meets Oikawa again for the first time in years at his first practice match with his new team. 

It’s been years since he’s seen Oikawa last, and he looks good. Not that Tobio didn’t think he looked good back in middle school, definitely not. But middle school Oikawa was all long, lanky limbs and typical teenage awkwardness. 

This Oikawa was far from that. This Oikawa is more confident. More sure of himself. He carries himself with the pride of being the captain of a powerhouse school. He leads his team with grace and each serve is as terrifyingly beautiful as he remembers. He’s no longer the crying, snotty upperclassman Tobio offered a tissue to at his very first middle school tournament.

And when Oikawa’s first serve lands on their court, he blames the overwhelming force of the ball for the way his heart stops functioning, the steady beats syncopating to form unknown rhythms for a fraction of a second. And when Oikawa turns his eyes on him and smiles, Tobio sees the challenge written all over his face. He looks away, because he’s pretty sure the proper response to such a blatant challenge isn’t the blush that’s rapidly forming on his cheeks.

Tobio thinks confidence looks good on him.

* * *

**Year 1, November**   


He’s been texting Oikawa a lot ever since he got his number. And meeting up with him too. And Tobio’s a little confused because he doesn’t think seeing Oikawa so often is good for his heart. 

Sometimes Oikawa drags him to his favorite cafe, and Tobio admits they have amazing vanilla bean lattes. Sometimes they just take leisurely walks through the park and he watches as Oikawa fusses over the pets they see along the way, and he begs his heart not to betray him any further. They play volleyball a lot together now. He thinks Oikawa might miss it, with how the season is over for Seijoh, and Oikawa’s been spending most of his time prepping for exams and teaching Seijoh’s future captain the ropes.

They’re at the recreation center’s gym, on opposite sides of the net, and Tobio is trying and failing to return every serve Oikawa hits in his direction. And even though playing volleyball with just two people doesn’t make the most exciting game, Tobio’s the happiest he’s been in a while. He thinks maybe playing volleyball with Oikawa has the magical effect of supplying him with the biggest rush of endorphins. His energy feels boundless, and he’s been smiling uncontrollably for the past hour. He doesn’t recall the last time he’s felt this good.

“Tobio-chan at this rate I’m going to leave you in the dust if you can’t pick up a single one of my serves,” Oikawa taunts him, but unlike before, Tobio can tell the words have lost their edge. Over the months, all of their banter and retorts have been morphing into something softer. And Tobio thinks that maybe he can allow himself to hope.

“You wish, Oikawa-san.”

And so Oikawa picks up another ball and prepares for another serve, and Tobio misses again.

Oikawa turns a triumphant smirk on him, and Tobio thinks maybe he’s a little in love.

“One more time.”   


And later that day, when the sun has set and the skies have turned a wondrous, orange hue, Oikawa insists on walking him home, even if his house is in the opposite direction. When they’re on the front porch of his house and he’s reaching for his keys, he feels Oikawa grip his wrist.

“Tobio-chan...wait. Please hear me out,” Oikawa says, uncharacteristically serious. And Tobio withdraws his hand from within his bag and turns to face him properly. Oikawa’s hand is still gripping his wrist and he isn’t looking at him, his gaze fixed somewhere above Tobio’s head. 

“I know I haven’t been the kindest to you,” Oikawa starts, his gaze shifting to the ground, “yet you’ve never held that against me. And I don’t know, this is probably sudden. I probably don’t even have the right to say this to you, but I have to.” 

And finally, Oikawa’s gaze fixates on him and Tobio wouldn’t have been able to look away even if he wanted to.

“I like you, Kageyama Tobio.”

And when Oikawa leans in close and kisses him for the first time, Tobio thinks that maybe gods do exist. He thanks them for smiling down on him.

* * *

**Year 2, December**

They’re at the park again, bumping a volleyball back and forth in a lazy rally.

Oikawa had been uncharacteristically quiet today, and Tobio didn’t know what to think of it. He knows something is wrong when he’s the one filling in all the silences between them. And even silences used to come easy. Tobio remembers the days when they’d spend quiet afternoons at each other’s houses, reveling in each other’s presence and nothing more. But the silences now are accompanied by a nearly inaudible but persistent ringing in his ears, and Tobio thinks silences have never felt so uncomfortably loud.

Tobio finds comfort in the leisure exercise, and how it warms his body up slightly to help combat the biting cold of the winter breeze. But it isn’t enough to thaw the cold feeling that’s been forming in his chest. And even though he starts to bump the ball harder, move a little quicker, breathe a little faster, the chill in his heart won’t leave like the chill in his bones. 

In his desperation, he bumps the ball too high and it falls a little short. They both watch as it drops to the ground, bouncing a couple times before coming to a stop at Oikawa’s feet. 

“One more time,” Tobio calls, because he can’t stop moving; he needs the cold to go away.

He watches as Oikawa stands there, head down, just looking at the ball. Tobio can’t see his face with the way his head is positioned, but something about the stillness of Oikawa’s figure unsettles him. 

“It’s late, Tobio. I’ll walk you home.”   


Later, in the dead of the night, Tobio gets a call from Oikawa. He tells Tobio about childhood idols and dreams he wants to achieve in far away places. And Tobio listens with rapt attention because Oikawa’s opening up to him and sharing his vision of the future with him. And Tobio is excited for him. He really is because he loves Oikawa and he wants him to go for it because he deserves the world. He deserves to go out and conquer the world and Tobio wants to be there to support him every step of the way—

Oikawa suggests they break up.

* * *

**Year 2, July**

In the summer of his second year, Tobio tells Oikawa he loves him.

Oikawa’s at the wheel of his family’s car, humming to some songs on the radio he doesn’t recognize, and Tobio feels the urge to say it, so he does. He turns in the passenger seat, fixes his gaze on Oikawa, and tells him he loves him.

Tobio has never been in the presence of such a silent, dumbstruck Oikawa. For once his face is completely open, shock written clearly on his face. But Tobio has never been very good at reading people, and he doesn’t know what this means. 

“SHIT!” Oikawa curses as he swings his attention back to the road, catching sight of the glaring red of the traffic light. He slams his foot on the brake and the car jerks to a sudden stop a little over the pedestrian line. The silence after is suffocating. 

“You…” Tobio starts, eager to break the silence. He settles back in his seat, fiddles with his fingers, and decides to fix his gaze on the dashboard. “You don’t have to say it back it’s okay—”

“Tobio.”

When Tobio hesitantly turns his head to face him, Oikawa is already looking at him. And after another few seconds of torturous silence, Oikawa breaks into a fit of soft giggles and reaches to run a hand through Tobio’s hair, and Tobio doesn’t need to hear the words to know. He knows from the gentle way Oikawa’s fingers trail down from the crown of his head to settle on the nape of his neck. He knows from the way Oikawa fixes his gaze on him, his normally guarded eyes open with warmth, fondness, and a hint of something else that sets Tobio’s heart aflame. And Tobio leans over the console because he’s buzzing with warmth and happiness and he needs to feel Oikawa’s lips on his right now.

Oikawa almost misses the green light too.

* * *

**Year 2, December**

“Why?” Tobio had asked that night, not understanding why Oikawa wanted to break it off.

“Because, Tobio-chan, I’m  _ leaving _ ,” Oikawa said, and his voice sounded strained and tense and Tobio didn’t like it. He wanted the laughter back. The snide comments and the mock fights and the playful banter. Not this.

“We can make it work,” Tobio had said, his mind reeling from shock. And Tobio hates himself for every call missed. For every dry text he’s sent. “We can work it out. We don’t have to—”

“Indefinitely, Tobio. I’m leaving indefinitely. I don’t know if I’m coming back,” Oikawa had said. And  _ oh _ . He hadn’t thought about  _ forever _ . “It’s unrealistic to think things are going to work out if we can’t see each other for years. I’ll be on the other side of the world. And you need to focus on volleyball. Not me. It’s better if we end things now rather than prolonging things. And...you know...dragging things out will only make it hurt more. And—Tobio? Are you still there?”

A lump had formed in his throat as Oikawa continued to ramble, and it made it hard to speak. But he couldn’t leave it at that. He had to say something. Anything.

“But I love you,” he had said, his voice a hoarse whisper. “Isn’t that enough?”

“Tobio…” he heard Oikawa’s voice crack a bit, and he wanted this conversation to be over because his eyes were glossing over with burgeoning tears and he doesn’t know if he could stand to hear any more. 

“I care for you, Tobio,” and Tobio thinks it’s cruel to say that now, when it’s so close to what he really wants to hear. But those words never come. 

“And I know you’ll find someone else that can love you and be with you always, the way you deserve.”  _ I want you _ , Tobio wants to scream.  _ I want that to be  _ you _. _

“But that’s not me.” And Tobio’s heart drops straight down to the floor. If it shatters, Tobio doesn’t hear it because Oikawa’s still talking and, as always, Tobio is hanging on to every word he says.

“I know those times apart hurt you Tobio. Even if you never said anything. It’s better to break it off here before we hurt each other more.”

And he doesn’t argue further. But Tobio thinks Oikawa’s lack of faith in them hurts more than distance ever could.

* * *

**Year 3, December**

Tobio never forgets that it was winter when Oikawa ended things. 

Sometimes he thinks he’s over it. He no longer has to look away from the park when he runs by for his daily jogs, because the park used to remind him of the last time they were together and how he hasn’t seen Oikawa since.

But there are little, everyday things that remind him of Oikawa, and he can’t stop his mind from wandering back to him when it does. 

On this particular day, it was the snow. Tobio’s late to morning practice and he’ll be damned if he lets Hinata beat him to the club room today. He hurriedly throws on his practice gear, grabs his bag, and haphazardly reaches a hand into his closet, feeling around for his scarf. Only to realize that it isn’t there. Instead, he finds a soft, sky-blue sweater he knows used to belong to Oikawa. He knows without looking that there are more like it in the back of his closet.   


Kageyama remembers that Oikawa loves the winter. He loves the snow. But despite his love for the season, he’s  _ terrible _ at withstanding the cold. Whenever it snowed, he’d insist they go out and enjoy the snowfall. He’d end up shivering violently, and Tobio would always lend him his scarf. And Oikawa would turn his brilliant smile on him and insist Tobio put the scarf on him because “it’s  _ romantic _ , Tobio-chan!”

“Do you do this on purpose? Wear too-thin layers just so you can steal my scarf?” Tobio would grumble as he carefully looped the dark blue fabric around his neck. “If you can’t handle the cold then wear more layers or something…”

“Maybe,” Oikawa would say cheekily, still giving him that smile—the one that never failed to make Tobio feel as if his body were being powered by an overheated furnace. “Maybe I just want to wear something that smells like you, Tobio-chan. You wear my sweaters all the time but I never wear anything of yours.”

“Then keep it,” Tobio had said, looking away in embarrassment. His cheeks felt like they were on fire. 

“You’re the best, Tobio,” Oikawa had laughed, taking Tobio’s gloved hands in his. “I’ll wear it every time I’m missing you.”

As Tobio rushes to school, scarfless and most definitely late for practice, a piece of him wonders if Oikawa’s kept his scarf with him. He wonders if he wraps Tobio’s scarf around his neck on snowy days like these, because he knows Oikawa can’t stand being outside in the cold for long without one. He wonders if Oikawa, on the other side of the world, breathes in whatever’s left of Tobio’s scent on his scarf and thinks of him.

Tobio learns that the temperatures rarely drop below 0°C in San Juan, Argentina.

When Tobio gets home that night, he gathers those wistful thoughts and feelings and shoves them in a box along with the pilfered sweaters. He buries the box in the darkest corner under his bed.

* * *

**June 2016**

_ ‘LOOK WHO I MET IN RIO!’ _

The text from Hinata comes as a surprise to Tobio while he’s getting ready in the Adlers’ locker room. Hinata knows Tobio’s a dry texter—they’ve always preferred group video calls with Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, and Yachi rather than texting. So when Tobio gets the notification, he opens it immediately. He wishes he hadn’t.

Because on the screen is Oikawa, and Tobio hasn’t thought about him in a while. Sure, the picture is ridiculous. They’re making the most outrageous of faces but Tobio can’t help but stare because Oikawa looks better than ever. His skin’s a little tanner, probably from the harsher Argentina sun, his hair is shorter and his shoulders broader. And the traitorous part of Tobio's brain thinks,  _ Oikawa still looks good in the sunlight _ .

He feels a pull in his chest—one he hasn’t felt in years. 

A million questions are running through his head and he wishes to ask Hinata all of them. _How’s Oikawa doing?_ _What’s his life like now? Has he adjusted to life in Argentina?_ _Does he watch all my games? Does he know I watch all of his?_

Instead, he shuts his phone off. Maybe he’ll respond later.

* * *

**Olympics**

Oikawa shows up again for the first time since the end and he’s clothed in blue.

Tobio feels that tug again in his heart. Feels it extra when he sees Hinata hug Oikawa with the familiarity of old friends. He knows that he could never achieve that level of comfort and familiarity with Oikawa again, as much as meeting him again makes him crave the feeling of Oikawa’s arms around him. Of melting into his embrace. The way they used to just fit together.

And for the first time in years they make eye contact.

Tobio knows not to expect much, but his heart aches anyway when all he gets is a nod, a warm yet fake smile, and a curt “Tobio-chan.” And so Kageyama’s heart, the one he had thought had healed and been reinforced with layers of heavy-duty steel, cracks a little against his will.

As long as Oikawa is in sight, Tobio’s eyes will always be drawn to him. And some twisted part of Tobio finds that maybe he doesn’t mind. 

And Tobio wonders, not for the first time in his life, if he’ll always keep chasing after Oikawa’s back. Because every time he thinks he’s reached him, grasped him, stood by him, he’s left in the dust again. 

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to try my hand at writing, since I've always wanted to try writing. It was a very fun experience and I really hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> I might write a continuation of this? :")
> 
> Say hi to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/kkenri_) ?


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